Desperate Desires

Clara desperately desires Connor to love the things most kids love. 

When we were decorating the Christmas tree this week, I could see her body and mind willing him to enjoy the process and festive atmosphere.  Instead, he threw a tantrum when we tried to stand him up next to the tree to help hang an ornament. At Thanksgiving we decorated a gingerbread house. Clara so wanted Connor to participate and join in the fun. She kept asking him what kind of candy to use next or where to put decorations on the house. He kept saying “go bedroom” on his talker, more interested in taking a rest than in her festive activity. She was very excited to include him in her bowling birthday party. She talked to him about it for days leading up.  She said her friends were excited to meet him (likely because she talks about him at school a lot).  He had enjoyed bowling a year ago when we went as a family, so we were hopeful he would find it cool to bowl with a bunch of tween girls. Instead, he threw a fit when it was his turn to bowl and then screamed and cried when her friends sang Happy Birthday. It was Brent’s birthday on Monday and Clara poured attention and love on him. She kept encouraging Connor to say Happy Birthday on his talker or give Brent a kiss or hug. He mostly just stared at her or off into space.

This is the story of her life. Of our life. Connor just doesn't enjoy or can't enjoy the things that most seven year olds do.

These scenes break my heart. And then they fill it back up again. You see, even when Connor “ruins” tree decorating or disrupts her birthday celebration, she is usually the first to comfort him or redirect his attention or try to laugh it off. She will go and smoosh his little face with a kiss. Or she’ll grab him and spin him around. Or she'll start dancing around and singing a funny song. Her love for him is endless and unconditional.

For seven years, I’ve been dreading the day their relationship changes.  When Clara has tragically grown out this mad love for him or when he stops giggling at her every move or when her tolerance for all the ways he makes our lives out of the ordinary has faded. But I’m now starting to think this IS their relationship.  That she will always smother him with hugs, always take pride in the idea (ok, the fact) that she is his favorite person, always have that gleam in her eye when she looks at me and says, “Mom, isn’t he just so adorable?”

She is the perfect example for me on how you can both desperately desire that something be different and be content and joyful in the reality of the present. I thank God for her in our life. She makes me a better mom and a better person in so many ways.