Birthday Blues and Blessings

Ready to have this baby!

Connor will be one year old next Friday.  I’ve been thinking about his birthday a lot lately.  I can’t believe it was a year ago that I was anxiously preparing for our little boy to join the family, finishing up projects and events at work and trying to get in some final Clara-Brent-Molly moments.

I think most parents get a little sad anticipating their child’s first birthday.  There’s something you give up when your child turns one – they’re no longer little babies and that’s hard.  So I’m a little sad about that aspect of it, but him turning one and the last month or so leading up to it seems to be more of a slap in the face, alerting me to where Connor is behind his peers.   Most of the time, I’m able to focus on the amazing progress that Connor has made.  But from time to time, and more so lately, I’ll see a toy commercial and how a toddler is playing with the toy and I’ll get teary.  Or I’ll see a baby sitting in a cart at a store and wonder if that will ever be my baby or if he’ll be too big to be in the front of the cart by the time he’s sitting.

I’m anxious about how I’ll feel on his birthday.  I want it to be a day of celebration and thanksgiving for how we’ve all grown in the last year, but instead I’m afraid I’ll be thinking about everything I want him to be doing.  I want him to sit in his birthday chair, dig into his cake with both hands and smear it all over his face, clap his hands when we sing happy birthday, walk around playing with whatever new toy he got.  I’m afraid I’ll cry tears of sadness and fear instead of joy.  That I won’t be able to get over this pity party I’m having on his behalf for myself.

Just a few hours old

Connor got his Joubert diagnosis a little more than six months ago and I have managed to stay hopeful and optimistic almost every day since then.  I’ve stayed strong through doctor appointments, tests, therapy sessions, good news and bad news.  But there’s just something about this birthday that I can’t shake my negative feelings from.  Maybe it’s because his birth day was such a mix of emotions?  Anticipation, joy, fear, relief, sadness and exhaustion surrounded those first hours and days in the hospital.

 I feel guilty for being such a Debbie-downer about my son’s first birthday.  I seriously thought about just trying to treat it like any other day, but I know that’s not possible.  Deep down I want to celebrate and I need to celebrate – his life, our life together and the many family, friends and medical personnel who have supported us through the last year.  So we’re having a birthday party for the little man.  I know being around others who love Connor so much will focus me on the joy of the occasion and I won’t be able to bury my head in the sand. 

Almost 12 months old

Now don’t get me wrong – I do see, appreciate and thank God for the blessings of the past year.  They are countless.  Results that could have been very bad turned out fine, continued progress in this therapies, a baby with a very cheerful disposition, a daughter who dotes on and isn’t jealous of her little brother despite all the extra attention he gets, a fabulous children’s hospital an hour away, health insurance, a job that is flexible and joyful, and many happy memories as we’ve forged on ahead with life.  So many good, good things.

Well there.  I’ve got it out of my system.  Maybe by putting these words down, I can release these feelings into the blogosphere and not be weighed down by them.  Because, in the end, I choose joy over fear.