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| Ready to have this baby! |
Connor will be one year old next Friday. I’ve been thinking about his birthday a lot
lately. I can’t believe it was a year
ago that I was anxiously preparing for our little boy to join the family,
finishing up projects and events at work and trying to get in some final
Clara-Brent-Molly moments.
I think most parents get a little sad anticipating their
child’s first birthday. There’s
something you give up when your child turns one – they’re no longer little
babies and that’s hard. So I’m a little
sad about that aspect of it, but him turning one and the last month or so
leading up to it seems to be more of a slap in the face, alerting me to where
Connor is behind his peers. Most of the time, I’m able to focus on the
amazing progress that Connor has made.
But from time to time, and more so lately, I’ll see a toy commercial and
how a toddler is playing with the toy and I’ll get teary. Or I’ll see a baby sitting in a cart at a
store and wonder if that will ever be my baby or if he’ll be too big to be in
the front of the cart by the time he’s sitting.
I’m anxious about how I’ll feel on his birthday. I want it to be a day of celebration and
thanksgiving for how we’ve all grown in the last year, but instead I’m afraid
I’ll be thinking about everything I want him to be doing. I want him to sit in his birthday chair, dig
into his cake with both hands and smear it all over his face, clap his hands
when we sing happy birthday, walk around playing with whatever new toy he got. I’m afraid I’ll cry tears of sadness and fear
instead of joy. That I won’t be able to
get over this pity party I’m having on his behalf for myself.
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| Just a few hours old |
Connor got his Joubert diagnosis a little more than six months ago
and I have managed to stay hopeful and optimistic almost every day since
then. I’ve stayed strong through doctor
appointments, tests, therapy sessions, good news and bad news. But there’s just something about this
birthday that I can’t shake my negative feelings from. Maybe it’s because his birth day was such a
mix of emotions? Anticipation, joy,
fear, relief, sadness and exhaustion surrounded those first hours and days in
the hospital.
I feel guilty for
being such a Debbie-downer about my son’s first birthday. I seriously thought about just trying to treat
it like any other day, but I know that’s not possible. Deep down I want to celebrate and I need to
celebrate – his life, our life together and the many family, friends and
medical personnel who have supported us through the last year. So we’re having a birthday party for the
little man. I know being around others
who love Connor so much will focus me on the joy of the occasion and I won’t be
able to bury my head in the sand.
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| Almost 12 months old |
Now don’t get me wrong – I do see, appreciate and thank God
for the blessings of the past year. They
are countless. Results that could have
been very bad turned out fine, continued progress in this therapies, a baby
with a very cheerful disposition, a daughter who dotes on and isn’t jealous of
her little brother despite all the extra attention he gets, a fabulous
children’s hospital an hour away, health insurance, a job that is flexible and
joyful, and many happy memories as we’ve forged on ahead with life. So many good, good things.
Well there. I’ve got
it out of my system. Maybe by putting
these words down, I can release these feelings into the blogosphere and not be
weighed down by them. Because, in the end, I choose joy over fear.
